with my Bossa Nova music on my ipod, my running shoes...am as good as running and dancing slow with the wonderful weather outside. as recalling my day...
It was fantastic, start my morning with a prayer and my daily preaching..had my breakfast and off to work...
been with my book for how many days now, having it set aside, a page or two will be enough for sometime..but i really have to finish the whole thing, one two many are still waiting for my eyes to be adored.
Matthew 7:7, ask and you shall receive...it is a very powerful verse... i had it re read over and over again... and trusting God Almighty, all the impossible with men will all be possible.... i was ever grateful, so happy for everything that is coming into my life now... i ask: Just give me Jesus.... i felt empowered, i felt whole and blessed.
as my day ends, my body is tired, but my mind is peaceful,,,,i have never been so light headed and my heart still thumping on its place, but with all the gladness that's inside me,,,, thankful for our Lord God...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
A new day has come
after a month long of struggle and difficulties, i have never been so blessed and loved by the people surrounding me. and by trials in my life, i have found God! it's been long over due of my coming back and acceptance of His worthy presence in my life. His never ending love and forgiveness, His grace and mercy. i am in owe. so overwhelmed of His devine grace.
For quite sometime of dealing all the heartaches and pain inside me, i have learned alot of things, i have been opened to the wide range of possibilites that life get to offer me. and by accepting back our Lord God and his Son Jesus, my life became so full and with full of meaning and blessings.
One by one, opportunities open, happiness became so easy, by my own self. it was a loving transition hard but I have been freed. It was so long that I was blinded. Thankful that He accepted me whole heartedly, I am so much thankful.
For quite sometime of dealing all the heartaches and pain inside me, i have learned alot of things, i have been opened to the wide range of possibilites that life get to offer me. and by accepting back our Lord God and his Son Jesus, my life became so full and with full of meaning and blessings.
One by one, opportunities open, happiness became so easy, by my own self. it was a loving transition hard but I have been freed. It was so long that I was blinded. Thankful that He accepted me whole heartedly, I am so much thankful.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
For the First Time
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got in to this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess is it gods test,
Someone help us cause we're doing our best,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time
Ooooooh
[few times]
She's in line at the dole
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride
But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,
Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,
But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while yeah,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.
Ooooo
[few times]
Yeah.....
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying thing we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time
(ooooo....), yeahh for the first time,
(ooooo....), oh for the first time,
Yeah for the first time,
(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time)
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got in to this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess is it gods test,
Someone help us cause we're doing our best,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time
Ooooooh
[few times]
She's in line at the dole
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride
But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,
Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,
But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while yeah,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.
Ooooo
[few times]
Yeah.....
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying thing we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time
(ooooo....), yeahh for the first time,
(ooooo....), oh for the first time,
Yeah for the first time,
(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time)
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Sunday, August 28, 2011
-
once again, i cannot sleep. i went out for sometime...i lose track of the time, i don't know till how long i was under the rain, until somebody have to take me inside... the never rain never stop, and i was just there, standing, not knowing whats happening,,, i cried and cried asking for guidance. asking for strength. i was thankful for the rain. the heaviness inside me was so dreadful, i cannot carry it anymore.
i am at my worst now. i am alone. i am miserable. i am so lost.
i am so scared. i don't know what to do. the knots inside my head are getting more and more tangled.
my heart is so much in pain that i don't know how to take it.
i am calling out God's name, help me. oh god help me.
please be there for me.
i am at my worst now. i am alone. i am miserable. i am so lost.
i am so scared. i don't know what to do. the knots inside my head are getting more and more tangled.
my heart is so much in pain that i don't know how to take it.
i am calling out God's name, help me. oh god help me.
please be there for me.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
--
i am falling into pieces... i hate waking up now. i don't even know if i fell asleep. i opened my eyes with a prayer... God, be with me today. i don't think i can make it by my own... i went out of the house feeling so heavy, heavier than yesterday. i tried myself to stop crying, i almost filled up the bucket of my tears at the shower.
as i finished whole of my day at work, i was elated. i still didn't break down. i am still standing with my tired body. but the emptiness is haunting me... curiosity...what will i do now? all of the what now, and what if...and why... are eating me alive... i still don't want anything... surprisingly i am not hungry... i don't feel like anything...
i am so choked up now... i went outside, humidity aside, i don't care anymore... i needed the tranquil of the sea breeze... i needed to talk to my father, the place where i can be alone, so far away...i was crying, standing there where the water touches my feet... where is he when i needed him the most?
i cried my heart out..just talking...hoping that my dad was there with me... helping me at my worst. asking for forgiveness, asking for strength, guidance, understanding... i needed all of that.
and then it hit me so hard... i am alone. i am alone. i am alone.
writing all of this... with my fingers shaking, i am barely breathing... it seems my tears will never stop.
i am falling into pieces again...
i need to take this one thing and shut down for the rest of the night..
as i finished whole of my day at work, i was elated. i still didn't break down. i am still standing with my tired body. but the emptiness is haunting me... curiosity...what will i do now? all of the what now, and what if...and why... are eating me alive... i still don't want anything... surprisingly i am not hungry... i don't feel like anything...
i am so choked up now... i went outside, humidity aside, i don't care anymore... i needed the tranquil of the sea breeze... i needed to talk to my father, the place where i can be alone, so far away...i was crying, standing there where the water touches my feet... where is he when i needed him the most?
i cried my heart out..just talking...hoping that my dad was there with me... helping me at my worst. asking for forgiveness, asking for strength, guidance, understanding... i needed all of that.
and then it hit me so hard... i am alone. i am alone. i am alone.
writing all of this... with my fingers shaking, i am barely breathing... it seems my tears will never stop.
i am falling into pieces again...
i need to take this one thing and shut down for the rest of the night..
-
as the days go by...the time flies..with meekly moving my eyes, just to sustain my dropping tears...i can see my life unravel before me. i wasn't moving, restless..laying down in my bed for two days, i never known loneliness, so deep that it consumed me. my body somehow cooperate, i wasn't hungry, i wasn't longing for anything. i only want to stay put, to feel, to stay away from anything, anybody. to cry, to pray...
i am still breathing, but with the pain that lives inside me feels like i am dead.
the blood slowly pools down, i never felt pain, all can hear was the beating of my heart so loud, so loud that i stop all the reasons...i just want to cover up the pain inside me. i am crazy, i am miserable. it is hurting me too much. to much that i am not scared anymore... seconds into minutes, deeper and deeper, the blood bathe the floor, consciousness eluding me...rejection, pain, blame, insults, sarcasm all consumed me... as the pain shouting inside my head, my body is giving up... i still never felt the pain from outside...i am breaking into pieces... my sob into crying... i was alone, just so alone that i don't how they found out... i opened my eyes with another eyes crying...''what have you done? what have you done?'' what have i done? i just merely wanted to end things. to be gone. i am giving up...
until when again? until when it stop? until when? closing my eyes wishing it will never open anymore.
can he feel me? no... i am alone. always been alone.
i am still breathing, but with the pain that lives inside me feels like i am dead.
the blood slowly pools down, i never felt pain, all can hear was the beating of my heart so loud, so loud that i stop all the reasons...i just want to cover up the pain inside me. i am crazy, i am miserable. it is hurting me too much. to much that i am not scared anymore... seconds into minutes, deeper and deeper, the blood bathe the floor, consciousness eluding me...rejection, pain, blame, insults, sarcasm all consumed me... as the pain shouting inside my head, my body is giving up... i still never felt the pain from outside...i am breaking into pieces... my sob into crying... i was alone, just so alone that i don't how they found out... i opened my eyes with another eyes crying...''what have you done? what have you done?'' what have i done? i just merely wanted to end things. to be gone. i am giving up...
until when again? until when it stop? until when? closing my eyes wishing it will never open anymore.
can he feel me? no... i am alone. always been alone.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Tears and Rain
How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Same mistake
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.
-
Five months and counting... i never felt pain so deep and so hard. i can see my self slowly dying. i can see my self lost in everything, reason, strength and living..i need help. i need to help my self. i dont know what to do. i am succumb with all the heartaches. i am empty. i am lost. for the past days, i am drifting away. i tried so hard, so hard. but it is painful. i am broken. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
why?
i want to shout.. shout at the top of my lungs... until all the hurt will go away, until all my tears will dry up, until the last tremble from my body subside...until my breath will be normal...
when? until when? how? i dont want to be hurt anymore... why cant i be happy again? why cant i be forgiven? why cant just start things without giving me too much pain... why do i have to suffer all the time? why cant i just be dead and not feel the pain anymore?
why cant i just stop living? why cant i be dead now?
when? until when? how? i dont want to be hurt anymore... why cant i be happy again? why cant i be forgiven? why cant just start things without giving me too much pain... why do i have to suffer all the time? why cant i just be dead and not feel the pain anymore?
why cant i just stop living? why cant i be dead now?
Lead Me Lord
Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand
And make me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain
That life may bring
There's no other hope
That I can lean upon
Lead me Lord
Lead me all my life
Walk by me, walk by me across
The lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand
Show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life
And make me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain
That life may bring
There's no other hope
That I can lean upon
Lead me Lord
Lead me all my life
Walk by me, walk by me across
The lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand
Show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life
Drowning
how does one can take this? how much more can a person take of seeing from her own eyes, feel from her heart that slowly slowly, backs are turning away? a person is rejecting her? and doesn't care anymore?
do you feel how it is to be drowned? that no single hand is reaching out to help? eyes slowly drifting away, looking at another directions, not minding that you are drowning...not saving....
i am into deep now...really so deep that i am scared. scared of myself... so hurt that, hearing the person you love doesnt care anymore and love you anymore... and much worst...wants you to suffer, wants you in pain... wants you to really die...
i am dead..from the inside.. i am drowned, suffocating... i am really dead.
do you feel how it is to be drowned? that no single hand is reaching out to help? eyes slowly drifting away, looking at another directions, not minding that you are drowning...not saving....
i am into deep now...really so deep that i am scared. scared of myself... so hurt that, hearing the person you love doesnt care anymore and love you anymore... and much worst...wants you to suffer, wants you in pain... wants you to really die...
i am dead..from the inside.. i am drowned, suffocating... i am really dead.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
why?
i am lost.. i dont know what i am doing here...
i am angry with my self...i am so down... i am confused...i am so lost...
i felt so disconnected than ever... i want some peace..
i felt so empty..
why it is so hard?
i am surrendering now... i am opening up now to everything!
i am so lost... i am so lost...
i am angry with my self...i am so down... i am confused...i am so lost...
i felt so disconnected than ever... i want some peace..
i felt so empty..
why it is so hard?
i am surrendering now... i am opening up now to everything!
i am so lost... i am so lost...
times that i need the most...
its Easter Day! a day to give praise to the Lord.. a day of awakening, a day new life... and as i look around me, as we gathered... to celebrate.. i can see each of their faces randomly glittered up even for a simple festivities. a get together to eat, to give thanks and to share the smiles and the laughter...
but i failed to share the laughter and the smiles... i never have one to share, even a slight smirk,, i cant... i am so empty,,,i am so alone... that i just want to finish eating and just go in a solitary mood... i am helpless...
i thank God for everything... and i am asking God for forgiveness, for the mistakes that i have done... for all the wrongs that i have hurt others... it is really hurting me a lot..
i am really sorry...
but i failed to share the laughter and the smiles... i never have one to share, even a slight smirk,, i cant... i am so empty,,,i am so alone... that i just want to finish eating and just go in a solitary mood... i am helpless...
i thank God for everything... and i am asking God for forgiveness, for the mistakes that i have done... for all the wrongs that i have hurt others... it is really hurting me a lot..
i am really sorry...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
years
years back, i been asking myself from time to time while i was alone, if its worth everything? while i was crying waiting for you to answer my phone call and texts, if it was worth all of those pain? i then i stopped and looked back of all those happy memories, of all those laughs, playful banters, silly jokes all those adventures that escalates our hearts and minds into feeling and even touching the clouds...and yes, it was and is really worth all of it...
every time when i was with you, i always wish that time will not end that time will just freeze and only the two of us moving, continue what we were making us happy. and at the same time, if we were fighting or you will ignore me, i was wishing of the time to move faster and faster so that i will not even feel the pain or even see myself crying...
and right now, that is what i felt... i am wishing for the time to run, run as fast as it could... and that i will never even feel those single drop of my tears dripping all over my face... and before i was wishing for it for my self alone... but now, i was hoping for it, for the two of us.. i am feeling your pain, i feeling it and i even think of it now, that i wish it is only me who is feeling the pain, not you... because i am good at it, i am good at feeling the pain, i am good at crying over it and keeping it inside my heart... i wish that i can take your pain, i wish that i can have it all alone, and save you from heartache... i have caused you too much because of what i have done... i have caused you too much out of your head...
i dont know how to make amends because for all those times i was the one feeling it, fooling my self that it was all part of loving someone...
setting here all alone now, made me realized a lot of stuff... made me think of all those lessons craziness love, happiness, adventures, silly fights, making up, making love, fun, fun, communications and dancing and singing... i missed all of it... i been longing for all of it since last year... and now i screwed it... never had a single time that i stop thinking of you, it made me cry, it made me laugh, it made me hate you, it made me love you more and more....
for all the honesty now that is left inside my heart, i never thought that you will come back again... i was losing hope, i was losing the will to believe that you will come back to me... i was giving up... but then you came back...but i shielded myself already with a candle wax... a candle wax because when it is dry, it is very hard, but it is hot, it will melt and am crumbling back to being liquid, and melt over and over again...
i tried so hard to crawl and stand up on my own with out you by my side... i tried so hard to live life again, to wake up everyday looking at my phone that you will never call anymore, that i will never receive a text message early in the morning, middle of the day, half of the day, near at night and until we sleep... you were my morning, afternoon and night... you were my armor, you were guiding me, helping me, backing me, you were my teacher. my best friend, my lover, my everything... you always the one who raised me up when i have all these drama at work... with my life... you were the one who listen, who understand, who shares, hold my hands, pat my shoulder, hold my face, you helped to be strong and to be weak in loving you... in loving my self... and i never wish for anything anymore... you were my life...
the time that we were apart together, i was so lost.. so lost...that the one who guided me to fly removed his hands from me... the one who reached over me at the edge lost his grip on me... and it was very difficult to climb back again to the top and pretend that everything was alright and will be alright...
it was so sad that the eyes that used to look at me, cannot even look at me with delight anymore... it was all disgust and hate... and i don't even know how to make that eyes look at me with the same passion, i don't know anymore...
i don't want to give up now... for me, it is all worth it. it was all hell worth taken the ride from there to here... but it is not all in my hands, and i am helpless, so helpless that i cannot imagine the pain that i caused for both of us...
i am praying now... so much that time will run fast faster faster as it could... that even the wind will just swept everything off its way... that i will be back where i belong. and i belong to you. only you.
i couldn't stop crying, because its the only way for me to stop breaking down completely and burst and burst... i am trying to be strong..i am trying to be strong now... that whatever decisions you will make, i wish i can accept it. i wish i can i really wish...and hope i can.
every time when i was with you, i always wish that time will not end that time will just freeze and only the two of us moving, continue what we were making us happy. and at the same time, if we were fighting or you will ignore me, i was wishing of the time to move faster and faster so that i will not even feel the pain or even see myself crying...
and right now, that is what i felt... i am wishing for the time to run, run as fast as it could... and that i will never even feel those single drop of my tears dripping all over my face... and before i was wishing for it for my self alone... but now, i was hoping for it, for the two of us.. i am feeling your pain, i feeling it and i even think of it now, that i wish it is only me who is feeling the pain, not you... because i am good at it, i am good at feeling the pain, i am good at crying over it and keeping it inside my heart... i wish that i can take your pain, i wish that i can have it all alone, and save you from heartache... i have caused you too much because of what i have done... i have caused you too much out of your head...
i dont know how to make amends because for all those times i was the one feeling it, fooling my self that it was all part of loving someone...
setting here all alone now, made me realized a lot of stuff... made me think of all those lessons craziness love, happiness, adventures, silly fights, making up, making love, fun, fun, communications and dancing and singing... i missed all of it... i been longing for all of it since last year... and now i screwed it... never had a single time that i stop thinking of you, it made me cry, it made me laugh, it made me hate you, it made me love you more and more....
for all the honesty now that is left inside my heart, i never thought that you will come back again... i was losing hope, i was losing the will to believe that you will come back to me... i was giving up... but then you came back...but i shielded myself already with a candle wax... a candle wax because when it is dry, it is very hard, but it is hot, it will melt and am crumbling back to being liquid, and melt over and over again...
i tried so hard to crawl and stand up on my own with out you by my side... i tried so hard to live life again, to wake up everyday looking at my phone that you will never call anymore, that i will never receive a text message early in the morning, middle of the day, half of the day, near at night and until we sleep... you were my morning, afternoon and night... you were my armor, you were guiding me, helping me, backing me, you were my teacher. my best friend, my lover, my everything... you always the one who raised me up when i have all these drama at work... with my life... you were the one who listen, who understand, who shares, hold my hands, pat my shoulder, hold my face, you helped to be strong and to be weak in loving you... in loving my self... and i never wish for anything anymore... you were my life...
the time that we were apart together, i was so lost.. so lost...that the one who guided me to fly removed his hands from me... the one who reached over me at the edge lost his grip on me... and it was very difficult to climb back again to the top and pretend that everything was alright and will be alright...
it was so sad that the eyes that used to look at me, cannot even look at me with delight anymore... it was all disgust and hate... and i don't even know how to make that eyes look at me with the same passion, i don't know anymore...
i don't want to give up now... for me, it is all worth it. it was all hell worth taken the ride from there to here... but it is not all in my hands, and i am helpless, so helpless that i cannot imagine the pain that i caused for both of us...
i am praying now... so much that time will run fast faster faster as it could... that even the wind will just swept everything off its way... that i will be back where i belong. and i belong to you. only you.
i couldn't stop crying, because its the only way for me to stop breaking down completely and burst and burst... i am trying to be strong..i am trying to be strong now... that whatever decisions you will make, i wish i can accept it. i wish i can i really wish...and hope i can.
A letter from my BrokenHeart
years back, i been asking myself from time to time while i was alone, if its worth everything? while i was crying waiting for you to answer my phone call and texts, if it was worth all of those pain? i then i stopped and looked back of all those happy memories, of all those laughs, playful banters, silly jokes all those adventures that escalates our hearts and minds into feeling and even touching the clouds...and yes, it was and is really worth all of it...
every time when i was with you, i always wish that time will not end that time will just freeze and only the two of us moving, continue what we were making us happy. and at the same time, if we were fighting or you will ignore me, i was wishing of the time to move faster and faster so that i will not even feel the pain or even see myself crying...
and right now, that is what i felt... i am wishing for the time to run, run as fast as it could... and that i will never even feel those single drop of my tears dripping all over my face... and before i was wishing for it for my self alone... but now, i was hoping for it, for the two of us.. i am feeling your pain, i feeling it and i even think of it now, that i wish it is only me who is feeling the pain, not you... because i am good at it, i am good at feeling the pain, i am good at crying over it and keeping it inside my heart... i wish that i can take your pain, i wish that i can have it all alone, and save you from heartache... i have caused you too much because of what i have done... i have caused you too much out of your head...
i dont know how to make amends because for all those times i was the one feeling it, fooling my self that it was all part of loving someone...
setting here all alone now, made me realized a lot of stuff... made me think of all those lessons craziness love, happiness, adventures, silly fights, making up, making love, fun, fun, communications and dancing and singing... i missed all of it... i been longing for all of it since last year... and now i screwed it... never had a single time that i stop thinking of you, it made me cry, it made me laugh, it made me hate you, it made me love you more and more....
for all the honesty now that is left inside my heart, i never thought that you will come back again... i was losing hope, i was losing the will to believe that you will come back to me... i was giving up... but then you came back...but i shielded myself already with a candle wax... a candle wax because when it is dry, it is very hard, but it is hot, it will melt and am crumbling back to being liquid, and melt over and over again...
i tried so hard to crawl and stand up on my own with out you by my side... i tried so hard to live life again, to wake up everyday looking at my phone that you will never call anymore, that i will never receive a text message early in the morning, middle of the day, half of the day, near at night and until we sleep... you were my morning, afternoon and night... you were my armor, you were guiding me, helping me, backing me, you were my teacher. my best friend, my lover, my everything... you always the one who raised me up when i have all these drama at work... with my life... you were the one who listen, who understand, who shares, hold my hands, pat my shoulder, hold my face, you helped me to be strong and to be weak in loving you... in loving my self... and i never wish for anything anymore... you were my life...
the time that we were apart together, i was so lost.. so lost...that the one who guided me to fly removed his hands from me... the one who reached over me at the edge lost his grip on me... and it was very difficult to climb back again to the top and pretend that everything was alright and will be alright...
it was so sad that the eyes that used to look at me, cannot even look at me with delight anymore... it was all disgust and hate... and i don't even know how to make that eyes look at me with the same passion, i don't know anymore...
i don't want to give up now... for me, it is all worth it. it was all hell worth taken the ride from there to here... but it is not all in my hands, and i am helpless, so helpless that i cannot imagine the pain that i caused for both of us...
i am praying now... so much that time will run fast faster faster as it could... that even the wind will just swept everything off its way... that i will be back where i belong. and i belong to you. only you.
i couldn't stop crying, because its the only way for me to stop breaking down completely and burst and burst... i am trying to be strong..i am trying to be strong now... that whatever decisions you will make, i wish i can accept it. i wish i can i really wish...and hope i can.
every time when i was with you, i always wish that time will not end that time will just freeze and only the two of us moving, continue what we were making us happy. and at the same time, if we were fighting or you will ignore me, i was wishing of the time to move faster and faster so that i will not even feel the pain or even see myself crying...
and right now, that is what i felt... i am wishing for the time to run, run as fast as it could... and that i will never even feel those single drop of my tears dripping all over my face... and before i was wishing for it for my self alone... but now, i was hoping for it, for the two of us.. i am feeling your pain, i feeling it and i even think of it now, that i wish it is only me who is feeling the pain, not you... because i am good at it, i am good at feeling the pain, i am good at crying over it and keeping it inside my heart... i wish that i can take your pain, i wish that i can have it all alone, and save you from heartache... i have caused you too much because of what i have done... i have caused you too much out of your head...
i dont know how to make amends because for all those times i was the one feeling it, fooling my self that it was all part of loving someone...
setting here all alone now, made me realized a lot of stuff... made me think of all those lessons craziness love, happiness, adventures, silly fights, making up, making love, fun, fun, communications and dancing and singing... i missed all of it... i been longing for all of it since last year... and now i screwed it... never had a single time that i stop thinking of you, it made me cry, it made me laugh, it made me hate you, it made me love you more and more....
for all the honesty now that is left inside my heart, i never thought that you will come back again... i was losing hope, i was losing the will to believe that you will come back to me... i was giving up... but then you came back...but i shielded myself already with a candle wax... a candle wax because when it is dry, it is very hard, but it is hot, it will melt and am crumbling back to being liquid, and melt over and over again...
i tried so hard to crawl and stand up on my own with out you by my side... i tried so hard to live life again, to wake up everyday looking at my phone that you will never call anymore, that i will never receive a text message early in the morning, middle of the day, half of the day, near at night and until we sleep... you were my morning, afternoon and night... you were my armor, you were guiding me, helping me, backing me, you were my teacher. my best friend, my lover, my everything... you always the one who raised me up when i have all these drama at work... with my life... you were the one who listen, who understand, who shares, hold my hands, pat my shoulder, hold my face, you helped me to be strong and to be weak in loving you... in loving my self... and i never wish for anything anymore... you were my life...
the time that we were apart together, i was so lost.. so lost...that the one who guided me to fly removed his hands from me... the one who reached over me at the edge lost his grip on me... and it was very difficult to climb back again to the top and pretend that everything was alright and will be alright...
it was so sad that the eyes that used to look at me, cannot even look at me with delight anymore... it was all disgust and hate... and i don't even know how to make that eyes look at me with the same passion, i don't know anymore...
i don't want to give up now... for me, it is all worth it. it was all hell worth taken the ride from there to here... but it is not all in my hands, and i am helpless, so helpless that i cannot imagine the pain that i caused for both of us...
i am praying now... so much that time will run fast faster faster as it could... that even the wind will just swept everything off its way... that i will be back where i belong. and i belong to you. only you.
i couldn't stop crying, because its the only way for me to stop breaking down completely and burst and burst... i am trying to be strong..i am trying to be strong now... that whatever decisions you will make, i wish i can accept it. i wish i can i really wish...and hope i can.
Friday, April 22, 2011
the way we were
Memories,
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...
*streisand lyrics*
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...
*streisand lyrics*
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Take Me Out of the Dark
Just what is it in me?
sometimes I just don't know
what keeps me in your love
why you never let me go
And though you're in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord please show me how
to know just how you feel
You have forgiven me
too many times it seems
I feel I'm not what you might call
a worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so temptations
finds it's way to me
Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
coz' I just forget
You won't give me what we can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I don't want to be there,ooh,hah
You never left my side
You gave Your hand to me
to hold You,oh Jesus
I'm no longer in the cold
And yet I leave You there
when I feel satisfied
I'd like to thank You everyday
not only when I feel that way
I've never known a man
who'd give His life for sinners like me
And yet because He loves us so
He promised us eternity
And we can have His promise
and be His if have faith and
just believe..
Teach us to trust in You
with all our heart
to lean not on our own understanding
cause we just forget
You won't give us what we can't bear
Take us out of the dark our Lord
We don't want to be there
Yeah, My Lord
Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
'cause I just forget
You might give me what I can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I we don't want to be alone
You take me out of the dark,My lord
i don't want to be there,
*Gary V lyrics*
sometimes I just don't know
what keeps me in your love
why you never let me go
And though you're in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord please show me how
to know just how you feel
You have forgiven me
too many times it seems
I feel I'm not what you might call
a worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so temptations
finds it's way to me
Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
coz' I just forget
You won't give me what we can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I don't want to be there,ooh,hah
You never left my side
You gave Your hand to me
to hold You,oh Jesus
I'm no longer in the cold
And yet I leave You there
when I feel satisfied
I'd like to thank You everyday
not only when I feel that way
I've never known a man
who'd give His life for sinners like me
And yet because He loves us so
He promised us eternity
And we can have His promise
and be His if have faith and
just believe..
Teach us to trust in You
with all our heart
to lean not on our own understanding
cause we just forget
You won't give us what we can't bear
Take us out of the dark our Lord
We don't want to be there
Yeah, My Lord
Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
'cause I just forget
You might give me what I can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I we don't want to be alone
You take me out of the dark,My lord
i don't want to be there,
*Gary V lyrics*
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
how to get it right?
What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cuz my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right
Can I start again
With my faith shaken
'Cuz I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cuz my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
But how many times will it take for me
To get it right
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah I sent out wish
Yeah I sent up a prayer
Then finally someone will see how much I care
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right
*glee lyrics*
Saturday, March 19, 2011
tell it to your heart....
You're not the one for me, I'm not for you.
We'd never make it.
Way too many differences, to begin to make it through.
I love you anyway, you love me, too.
Now we're in trouble.
Common sense says call it off.
It's the safest thing to do.
Tell it to your heart, and let your heart decide.
To say goodbye.
Go tell your lot to let love go,
it's love its after, love we're after.
*randy crawford lyrics...
We'd never make it.
Way too many differences, to begin to make it through.
I love you anyway, you love me, too.
Now we're in trouble.
Common sense says call it off.
It's the safest thing to do.
Tell it to your heart, and let your heart decide.
To say goodbye.
Go tell your lot to let love go,
it's love its after, love we're after.
*randy crawford lyrics...
Friday, March 18, 2011
our life and time...
we had this memories...i remember so well, how he knows me and how i know him so well...we were so comfortable with each other and how we connect on everything...we dance,we sing, we laugh, we cry, we fight, we read, we walk, we run,we play, we eat, we share, we sleep, we hugged, we kissed, we broke up, we made up... we have all this ups and downs... we struggled a lot... we dared to stay strong, we dared against all odds... we let go, we hold on...we said hello and we said goodbye...we walked away, we came back... we don't know what might have been but we know what we have been through... we had the times together, all worth while..we grew together, we grew apart... we have together...we had each other... we made mistakes, we had forgiveness, we broke our hearts many times... but we mend the pieces back a lot of times... we were stronger and we were weak... we held hands, we looked at each others eyes... we love, we hate... we have this bond, kept pulling us together...kept pulling us apart... we reasoned a lot with each other, we clashed, we were headstrong, but we always agree...we had life, we had sorrows... we dream, we woke up...we had scars...we tried to heal it...it cannot be, but we tried..we want different things, but we have a lot in common.... he broke my heart... i broke his heart... he fall apart...i fall apart..we fall apart...
the puzzle that we helped put together, slowly fell into pieces... sometimes i wish if things were just different... hoping it never turned out this way.. i tried to forget what i felt and i know i will always failed on totally forgetting him and what we had.. i cannot lie on this one....i love him and never stop loving.... i know i had to do something...i made a mistake, i lied, and for the silly thing, i was so miserable... hoping to find it in your heart to forgive me... i am deeply sorry for hurting you. for hurting us... right now i am in pain, and i know you are in too much pain...
i know i was to weak to say whats really the truth, the whole that once we were, will always be cherished and will always be in my heart, someplace inside my heart ... i am really sorry. i really am sorry....
i will always love you.
the puzzle that we helped put together, slowly fell into pieces... sometimes i wish if things were just different... hoping it never turned out this way.. i tried to forget what i felt and i know i will always failed on totally forgetting him and what we had.. i cannot lie on this one....i love him and never stop loving.... i know i had to do something...i made a mistake, i lied, and for the silly thing, i was so miserable... hoping to find it in your heart to forgive me... i am deeply sorry for hurting you. for hurting us... right now i am in pain, and i know you are in too much pain...
i know i was to weak to say whats really the truth, the whole that once we were, will always be cherished and will always be in my heart, someplace inside my heart ... i am really sorry. i really am sorry....
i will always love you.
i will always remember you and what we had
Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
the memories we've made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
And remember, Please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me
And how we laughed and how we smiled
And how this world was yours and mine
and how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ran so fast, we ran so free
I had you and you had me
Please remember, please remember
*song by leanne rhimes
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
the memories we've made
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
And remember, Please remember me
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me
And how we laughed and how we smiled
And how this world was yours and mine
and how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ran so fast, we ran so free
I had you and you had me
Please remember, please remember
*song by leanne rhimes
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
i am sorry
i am lost... so lost that everything seem so dark.. i am miserable. i made some decisions, wrong ones and its eating me alive... i made some choices that haunt me, scares me and now hurting me...
i am not used to hurting people, i used to be the one hurting, living in pain and finding ways to forget... and now, i am the one who hurt somebody. i am truly sorry.... i know you might not read this blog, but in my heart i am really sorry. so regretful that i lie, that i thought the only way to end things was the silliest of stuff... i hurt you and hurt me....
i hope one day, i will have the courage to explain things with you...and i hope that day you will understand me...
i am not used to hurting people, i used to be the one hurting, living in pain and finding ways to forget... and now, i am the one who hurt somebody. i am truly sorry.... i know you might not read this blog, but in my heart i am really sorry. so regretful that i lie, that i thought the only way to end things was the silliest of stuff... i hurt you and hurt me....
i hope one day, i will have the courage to explain things with you...and i hope that day you will understand me...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
blank...
right now, i am in a middle of a very important decision... its been so long now... and every day its just getting worst... its hurting me too much...
Chapter III
delusions
Fading into the mists
Death grinning
Hoping for embrace
Rained briefly at dawn
Birds detoured
Clouds split into two
spirits poured down
Hoping…waiting…
Sun will rise through the mists
Somehow…a vision
Reality…so blurred
Staring desperately
Speechless…
Numb…
pain
chapter II
stillness of time
Eyes slowly opening
Darkness…
Nothing.
Numb…pain…confusion.
Wind whistling
Eerie sounds
Leaves calling…grasses rattling…
Stand up
Crocked lines…seems so long
Eyes closing…nothing to see
Dreams…vague…memories…fading
Flashing back
Eyes red…distorted mind
blurred visions…hissing sounds
Questions…blankness
Running…stop….so sudden
Time stood still
Heart beating
Faster…faster…bursting…
Tired…still with nothing
Confusions tormenting
Restraint…ceasing…nowhere to go
The time…searching
Still searching…
darkness enfolds
Embracing the warm, cold wind
Confusions…
sky suddenly cries
Leaving you numb, cold, wet
Time stood still
Searching…looking…
darkness...Nothing.
darkness...Nothing.
Chapter 1
Fire in your heart
Burning your soul
Eating you into misery
Turning you into flames
Bit by bit
Pieces into pieces
Illuminating darkness
Crying out, screaming
Slowly creeping your veins
Far from bursting
Sweating profusely
drowning
Mystifying, haunted
Pulling down
Searching…grasping
The end…last breath
Insanity…taunted
Exhausted…lost…
Gone…dead…
Fire…Burning…Flames…
Empty.
Scars of life...
Somebody noticed my scar last time…it was really bad. Bad, because I remember again what I have done, I remember again everything. It was very difficult on my part to play it cool as if this is just nothing. But no, this is something. And I hate it to share or tell her what this scar’s all about. Its better left unsaid than to start again.
I have so many scars in my life… scars that leave memories, good and not so good. But these scars represent how I survived the trials of my life. But there are some scars that I have never wanted, scars that every time I see it, I just wanted to break down and start all over again from the time that scar was made. But in the long run, some scars were already fading and there are some that will never fade that whatever I do, it will never do me any good.
And for you who noticed…I am sorry. There are things that are better not to talk about, things that should be hidden and if I can… be forgotten. I know, being curious was not your fault, and for somehow, I felt that your intentions were true, if not…at least for that moment you care and that was something to me. I was grateful for the fact that you have given me some of your time…even if I try to stop my self I have to be open again to start another friendship and learn to share some (if not all) stories of my life and to understand that by having a new friend is not bad at all. And that whatever things that I cannot share, scars that I cannot give you the reason why it was there…hoping you will bear with me.
7 years ago...
as i was so excited to start blogging... i opened up my old files...and found some of my old writings that i thought i have to share it here... it was 7 years ago..and to tell the truth, what they said about ''someday you will just laugh at it...'' well, i guess it is all true... i am just laughing about all of it now...
this blog was written after my break up with my ex bf.. some how..somehow... so here it goes...
''For two days, I spent my entire working break reading, just reading. A very interesting but depressing book. It was lent to me by a new friend. And he never failed to warn/tell me, that after I finished reading it, I may feel somewhat pissed off and relieve, well, I doubt that at first. But it turned out, the hell as he expected it. “The Other Mrs. Jordan, a true story of bigamy and betrayal” a very open and honest book. And for somehow, I got my self another lesson, another story to live by, and another opportunity to stop and think and reflect. Like, Hey lady…compare to that woman, your problem is just a minuscule of something that doesn’t even exist. And compare to that woman, whatever you’re facing now, is just a day to day event that happened to every woman here on earth, so just stop being so pathetic and deal with it! What my “little baggage” is something to think about, but, not to the extent of ruining my life, because it does happened and I can’t do something about it to alter or go back to where it started, because, it will never be and it happened and then “ok, finished! Lesson learned, get up! And move my butt!”
Biggest lesson learned…this is an excerpt which is one my very favorites from what the author wrote in her book…”there is a perception of idiocy when a person has been deceived by someone they love and trust, though in fact to trust people, and particularly your lover, is completely natural. Those of us who have been deceived are made to feel stupid or embarrassed, although we have done nothing but have faith in someone who professed love.”
And I agree with that. I have done nothing, no wrongs, no mistakes, not even a single drop of something hideous that cause that someone to treat me the way he treated me. I only gave my all, my love, my respect, my trust and faith…and to what I have suffered, I don’t deserve all of it…and again, from her book she said…”Don’t hold on to the past. Life is too short to spend it looking back, so take whatever you can learn from any experiences you have and use it to help you move forward into a brighter future…” and I would like to thank Mrs. Mary Turner Thompson for that words…I’ve learned so much, she is right, even though my relationship didn’t work, I have to keep going and rebuild my life and do the things that I want to make my self happy. Memories must be left behind, it is for the past. Happy, sad memories, they are from the past. Just don’t look back, the more I dwell for somewhat that doesn’t even exist to somebody, the more I am making my self miserable. And life is too precious to waste on something that at first… a pretense, a fabricated lie, to make me believe, and to make me fill up the void that his life was missing. Yes, He betrayed me, and that makes me feel sorry for myself, I cannot help it and I don’t want to keep it, I am angry, bitter, but I am slowly composing my self and thinking what he does, he will never find happiness or satisfaction in a simple joy or whatever in his life.
I would like also to thank my friends who are always there with me, in times of my very lowest days of my life…they gave me strength, they never leave me alone, securing that I will never do another drastic things that will hurt me. With all my heart, I appreciated all the simple things they have done to make me live again, I know it will take time, as they all believed in me, I know, I will get over this, over him. And for somehow, forget that he even exists. “If you let it get you down, you go down” and I will never let that happen to me. I have a brighter future ahead of me.
And for my new found friend…thanks to you, for even though, you don’t know the whole story, you unselfishly listened and gave me some valuable information, about men and about life. And for the book, the very depressing book. Thank you so much!''
i have re read it over and over again...for that time, i have learned a lot...and with that book, remember so well, how my new friend lent it to me, he said, i might get lucky and learned..and true it was, i have learned a lot...and i am just laughing at it now...
Let me tell you something about me....
Winter is over... but with my ice cold pineapple juice beside me... its really far from over... let me tell you something about my self first...and what it takes to be honest? well, I really have to start something new, something organized about everything...for a start...let me tell you something about my self...
I am Dee..not my real name but close enough...this is what people called me, Dee... am 28 years old...and few weeks from now, i will be 29..and how times fly, and isn't it annoying? all of a sudden, I have to realize everything that I am not getting any younger anymore... but I still want to be that 21 years old fresh from college, or the 17 years old with a thick eyebrows fresh from high school. Am I reading myself now? I am smiling, how really time flies...and one way or another, everything makes sense to me...
and to move along, I am living here now in Dubai, for 5 years, i made this place as my second home, my haven of experiences, my sanctuary, my life. and for 5 years, everything unfold before my eyes. how i live my life, how i started to make ends meet...and how i started take care of myself...alone.
All along, it was really not that easy... as a Nurse, i have to accept things, i have to adjust my self to different people with their different attitude, religion, culture and even different perspective in life... they are my patients, and one by one, they taught me how to deal with people. and for 5 years, i have learned a lot...and still continue learning.
My friends kept me grounded, my family gave me the support that i want, away from them and stopping me from being crazy missing them... my work kept me going, being busy and all...it helps me deal with some problems that i am in for any moment...it helps me forget. I know i am strong, strong enough to be alone, for any decisions, for any heartaches, for any loneliness... for quite sometime, its always been, how i handle my life, how i took all those risks and how i became...
i still have a lot to tell, for now...i have to take one step at a time.... knowing how it all begun...
so with my ice cold pineapple juice looking at me, waiting for me to quench my thirst... i know things are still fine...for now...
so with my ice cold pineapple juice looking at me, waiting for me to quench my thirst... i know things are still fine...for now...
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