tell it to your heart....

You're not the one for me, I'm not for you.
We'd never make it.
Way too many differences, to begin to make it through.
I love you anyway, you love me, too.
Now we're in trouble.
Common sense says call it off.
It's the safest thing to do.

Tell it to your heart, and let your heart decide.
To say goodbye.
Go tell your lot to let love go,
it's love its after, love we're after.


*randy crawford lyrics...

our life and time...

we had this memories...i remember so well, how he knows me and how i know him so well...we were so comfortable with each other and how we connect on everything...we dance,we sing, we laugh, we cry, we fight, we read, we walk, we run,we play, we eat, we share, we sleep, we hugged, we kissed, we broke up, we made up... we have all this ups and downs... we struggled a lot... we dared to stay strong, we dared against all odds... we let go, we hold on...we said hello and we said goodbye...we walked away, we came back... we don't know what might have been but we know what we have been through... we had the times together, all worth while..we grew together, we grew apart... we have together...we had each other... we made mistakes, we had forgiveness, we broke our hearts many times... but we mend the pieces back a lot of times... we were stronger and we were weak... we held hands, we looked at each others eyes... we love, we hate... we have this bond, kept pulling us together...kept pulling us apart...  we reasoned a lot with each other, we clashed, we were headstrong, but we always agree...we had life, we had sorrows... we dream, we woke up...we had scars...we tried to heal it...it cannot be, but we tried..we want different things, but we have a lot in common.... he broke my heart... i broke his heart... he fall apart...i fall apart..we fall apart...

the puzzle that we helped  put together,  slowly fell into pieces... sometimes i wish if things were just different... hoping it never turned out this way.. i tried to forget what i felt and i know i will always failed on totally forgetting him and what we had..  i cannot lie on this one....i love him and never stop loving.... i know i had to do something...i made a mistake, i lied, and for the silly thing, i was so miserable... hoping to find it in your heart to forgive me... i am deeply sorry for hurting you. for hurting us... right now i am in pain, and i know you are in too much pain...
i know i was to weak to say whats really the truth, the whole that once we were, will always be cherished and will always be in my heart, someplace inside my heart ... i am really sorry. i really am sorry....

i will always love you.

i will always remember you and what we had

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
the memories we've made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me
And remember, Please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me

And how we laughed and how we smiled
And how this world was yours and mine
and how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ran so fast, we ran so free
I had you and you had me

Please remember, please remember

*song by leanne rhimes

i am sorry

i am lost... so lost that everything seem so dark.. i am miserable. i made some decisions, wrong ones and its eating me alive... i made some choices that haunt me, scares me and now hurting me...


i am not used to hurting people, i used to be the one hurting, living in pain and finding ways to forget... and now, i am the one who hurt somebody. i am truly sorry.... i know you might not read this blog, but in my heart i am really sorry. so regretful that i lie, that i thought the only way to end things was the silliest of stuff... i hurt you and hurt me....

i hope one day, i will have the courage to explain things with you...and i hope that day you will understand me...

blank...

right now, i am in a middle of a very important decision... its been so long now... and every day its just getting worst... its hurting me too much...

Chapter III

delusions

Fading into the mists

Death grinning

Hoping for embrace

Rained briefly at dawn

Birds detoured

Clouds split into two

spirits poured down

Hoping…waiting…

Sun will rise through the mists

Somehow…a vision

Reality…so blurred

Staring desperately

Speechless…

Numb…

pain

chapter II

stillness of time

Eyes slowly opening

Darkness…

Nothing.

Numb…pain…confusion.

Wind whistling

Eerie sounds

Leaves calling…grasses rattling…

Stand up

Crocked lines…seems so long

Eyes closing…nothing to see

Dreams…vague…memories…fading

Flashing back

Eyes red…distorted mind

blurred visions…hissing sounds

Questions…blankness

Running…stop….so sudden

Time stood still

Heart beating

Faster…faster…bursting…

Tired…still with nothing

Confusions tormenting

Restraint…ceasing…nowhere to go

The time…searching

Still searching…

darkness enfolds

Embracing the warm, cold wind

Confusions…

sky suddenly cries

Leaving you numb, cold, wet

Time stood still

Searching…looking…
darkness...Nothing.

Chapter 1

Fire in your heart

Burning your soul

Eating you into misery

Turning you into flames

Bit by bit

Pieces into pieces

Illuminating darkness

Crying out, screaming

Slowly creeping your veins

Far from bursting

Sweating profusely

drowning

Mystifying, haunted

Pulling down

Searching…grasping

The end…last breath

Insanity…taunted

Exhausted…lost…

Gone…dead…

Fire…Burning…Flames…

Empty.

Scars of life...

Somebody noticed my scar last time…it was really bad.  Bad, because I remember again what I have done, I remember again everything.  It was very difficult on my part to play it cool as if this is just nothing.  But no, this is something. And I hate it to share or tell her what this scar’s all about.  Its better left unsaid than to start again.

I have so many scars in my life… scars that leave memories, good and not so good.  But these scars represent how I survived the trials of my life.  But there are some scars that I have never wanted, scars that every time I see it, I just wanted to break down and start all over again from the time that scar was made.  But in the long run, some scars were already fading and there are some that will never fade that whatever I do, it will never do me any good.

And for you who noticed…I am sorry.  There are things that are better not to talk about, things that should be hidden and if I can… be forgotten.  I know, being curious was not your fault, and for somehow, I felt that your intentions were true, if not…at least for that moment you care and that was something to me.  I was grateful for the fact that you have given me some of your time…even if I try to stop my self I have to be open again to start another friendship and learn to share some (if not all) stories of my life and to understand that by having a new friend is not bad at all.  And that whatever things that I cannot share, scars that I cannot give you the reason why it was there…hoping you will bear with me.

7 years ago...

as i was so excited to start blogging... i opened up my old files...and found some of my old writings that i thought i have to share it here... it was 7 years ago..and to tell the truth, what they said about ''someday you will just laugh at it...'' well, i guess it is all true... i am just laughing about all of it now... 

this blog was written after my break up with my ex bf.. some how..somehow... so here it goes...

''For two days, I spent my entire working break reading, just reading.  A very interesting but depressing book.  It was lent to me by a new friend.  And he never failed to warn/tell me, that after I finished reading it, I may feel somewhat pissed off and relieve, well, I doubt that at first.  But it turned out, the hell as he expected it.   “The Other Mrs. Jordan, a true story of bigamy and betrayal” a very open and honest book.   And for somehow, I got my self another lesson, another story to live by, and another opportunity to stop and think and reflect.  Like, Hey lady…compare to that woman, your problem is just a minuscule of something that doesn’t even exist.  And compare to that woman, whatever you’re facing now, is just a day to day event that happened to every woman here on earth, so just stop being so pathetic and deal with it!  What my “little baggage” is something to think about, but, not to the extent of ruining my life, because it does happened and I can’t do something about it to alter or go back to where it started, because, it will never be and it happened and then “ok, finished! Lesson learned, get up! And move my butt!” 

Biggest lesson learned…this is an excerpt which is one my very favorites from what the author wrote in her book…”there is a perception of idiocy when a person has been deceived by someone they love and trust, though in fact to trust people, and particularly your lover, is completely natural.  Those of us who have been deceived are made to feel stupid or embarrassed, although we have done nothing but have faith in someone who professed love.”

And I agree with that.  I have done nothing, no wrongs, no mistakes, not even a single drop of something hideous that cause that someone to treat me the way he treated me.  I only gave my all, my love, my respect, my trust and faith…and to what I have suffered, I don’t deserve all of it…and again, from her book she said…”Don’t hold on to the past.  Life is too short to spend it looking back, so take whatever you can learn from any experiences you have and use it to help you move forward into a brighter future…” and I would like to thank Mrs. Mary Turner Thompson for that words…I’ve learned so much, she is right, even though my relationship didn’t work, I have to keep going and rebuild my life and do the things that I want to make my self happy.  Memories must be left behind, it is for the past.  Happy, sad memories, they are from the past. Just don’t look back, the more I dwell for somewhat that doesn’t even exist to somebody, the more I am making my self miserable. And life is too precious to waste on something that at first… a pretense, a fabricated lie, to make me believe, and to make me fill up the void that his life was missing.  Yes, He betrayed me, and that makes me feel sorry for myself, I cannot help it and I don’t want to keep it, I am angry, bitter, but I am slowly composing my self and thinking what he does, he will never find happiness or satisfaction in a simple joy or whatever in his life.

I would like also to thank my friends who are always there with me, in times of my very lowest days of my life…they gave me strength, they never leave me alone, securing that I will never do another drastic things that will hurt me.  With all my heart, I appreciated all the simple things they have done to make me live again, I know it will take time, as they all believed in me, I know, I will get over this, over him. And for somehow, forget that he even exists.  “If you let it get you down, you go down”   and I will never let that happen to me.  I have a brighter future ahead of me.

And for my new found friend…thanks to you, for even though, you don’t know the whole story, you unselfishly listened and gave me some valuable information, about men and about life. And for the book, the very depressing book. Thank you so much!''

i have re read it over and over again...for that time, i have learned a lot...and with that book, remember so well, how my new friend lent it to me, he said, i might get lucky and learned..and true it was, i have learned a lot...and i am just laughing at it now...

Let me tell you something about me....

Winter is over... but with my ice cold pineapple juice beside me... its really far from over... let me tell you something about my self first...and what it takes to be honest?  well, I really have to start something new, something organized about everything...for a start...let me tell you something about my self...

I am Dee..not my real name but close enough...this is what people called me, Dee... am 28 years old...and few weeks from now, i will be 29..and how times fly, and isn't it annoying? all of a sudden, I have to realize everything that I am not getting any younger anymore... but I still want to be that 21 years old fresh from college, or the 17 years old with a thick eyebrows fresh from high school. Am I reading myself now? I am smiling, how really time flies...and one way or another, everything makes sense to me...

and to move along, I am living here now in Dubai, for 5 years, i made this place as my second home, my haven of experiences, my sanctuary, my life. and for 5 years, everything unfold before my eyes. how i live my life, how i started to make ends meet...and how i started take care of myself...alone.

All along, it was really not that easy... as a Nurse, i have to accept things, i have to adjust my self to different people with their different attitude, religion, culture and even different perspective in life... they are my patients, and one by one, they taught me how to deal with people. and for 5 years, i have learned a lot...and still continue learning.

My friends kept me grounded, my family gave me the support that i want, away from them and stopping me from being crazy missing them... my work kept me going, being busy and all...it helps me deal with some problems that i am in for any moment...it helps me forget. I know i am strong, strong enough to be alone, for any decisions, for any heartaches, for any loneliness... for quite sometime, its always been, how i handle my life, how i took all those risks and how i became...

i still have a lot to tell, for now...i have to take one step at a time.... knowing how it all begun...

so with my ice cold pineapple juice looking at me, waiting for me to quench my thirst... i know things are still fine...for now...