why?

i want to shout.. shout at the top of my lungs... until all the hurt will go away, until all my tears will dry up, until the last tremble from my body subside...until my breath will be normal...

when? until when? how? i dont want to be hurt anymore... why cant i be happy again? why cant i be forgiven? why cant just start things without giving me too much pain... why do i have to suffer all the time? why cant i just be dead and not feel the pain anymore?

why cant i just stop living? why cant i be dead now?

Lead Me Lord

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand
And make me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain
That life may bring
There's no other hope
That I can lean upon
Lead me Lord
Lead me all my life
Walk by me, walk by me across
The lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand
Show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life

Drowning

how does one can take this? how much more can a person take of seeing from her own eyes, feel from her heart that slowly slowly, backs are turning away? a person is rejecting her? and doesn't care anymore?

do you feel how it is to be drowned? that no single hand is reaching out to help? eyes slowly drifting away, looking at another directions, not minding that you are drowning...not saving....

i am into deep now...really so deep that i am scared. scared of myself... so hurt that, hearing the person you love doesnt care anymore and love you anymore... and much worst...wants you to suffer, wants you in pain... wants you to really die...

i am dead..from the inside.. i am drowned, suffocating... i am really dead.