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i am falling into pieces... i hate waking up now. i don't even know if i fell asleep. i opened my eyes with a prayer... God, be with me today.  i don't think i can make it by my own... i went out of the house feeling so heavy, heavier than yesterday. i tried myself to stop crying, i almost filled up the bucket of my tears at the shower.
as i finished whole of my day at work, i was elated. i still didn't break down. i am still standing with my tired body.  but the emptiness is haunting me... curiosity...what will i do now? all of the what now, and what if...and why... are eating me alive... i still don't want anything... surprisingly i am not hungry... i don't feel like anything...
i am so choked up now... i went outside, humidity aside, i don't care anymore... i needed the tranquil of the sea breeze... i needed to talk to my father, the place where i can be alone, so far away...i was crying, standing there where the water touches my feet...  where is he when i needed him the most?
i cried my heart out..just talking...hoping that my dad was there with me... helping me at my worst. asking for forgiveness, asking for strength, guidance, understanding... i needed all of that.
and then it hit me so hard... i am alone. i am alone. i am alone.
writing all of this... with my fingers shaking, i am barely breathing... it seems my tears will never stop.
i am falling into pieces again...
i need to take this one thing and shut down for the rest of the night..

-

as the days go by...the time flies..with meekly moving my eyes, just to sustain my dropping tears...i can see my life unravel before me. i wasn't moving, restless..laying down in my bed for two days, i never known loneliness, so deep that it consumed me. my body somehow cooperate, i wasn't hungry, i wasn't longing for anything. i only want to stay put, to feel, to stay away from anything, anybody. to cry, to pray...
i am still breathing, but with the pain that lives inside me feels like i am dead. 
the blood slowly pools down, i never felt pain, all can hear was the beating of my heart so loud, so loud that i stop all the reasons...i just want to cover up the pain inside me. i am crazy, i am miserable. it is hurting me too much. to much that i am not scared anymore... seconds into minutes, deeper and deeper, the blood bathe the floor, consciousness eluding me...rejection, pain, blame, insults, sarcasm all consumed me... as the pain shouting inside my head, my body is giving up... i still never felt the pain from outside...i am breaking into pieces... my sob into crying... i was alone, just so alone that i don't how they found out... i opened my eyes with another eyes crying...''what have you done? what have you done?''  what have i done? i just merely wanted to end things. to be gone. i am giving up...
until when again? until when it stop? until when? closing my eyes wishing it will never open anymore.
can he feel me? no... i am alone.  always been alone.

Tears and Rain

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Same mistake

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.

And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.

-

Five months and counting... i never felt pain so deep and so hard. i can see my self slowly dying. i can see my self lost in everything, reason, strength and living..i need help. i need to help my self. i dont know what to do. i am succumb with all the heartaches.  i am empty. i am lost. for the past days, i am drifting away. i tried so hard, so hard. but it is painful. i am broken. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired.

help

when will the pain stop?

Bitter SWeet

I ate a candy that tastes sad...