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i am falling into pieces... i hate waking up now. i don't even know if i fell asleep. i opened my eyes with a prayer... God, be with me today.  i don't think i can make it by my own... i went out of the house feeling so heavy, heavier than yesterday. i tried myself to stop crying, i almost filled up the bucket of my tears at the shower.
as i finished whole of my day at work, i was elated. i still didn't break down. i am still standing with my tired body.  but the emptiness is haunting me... curiosity...what will i do now? all of the what now, and what if...and why... are eating me alive... i still don't want anything... surprisingly i am not hungry... i don't feel like anything...
i am so choked up now... i went outside, humidity aside, i don't care anymore... i needed the tranquil of the sea breeze... i needed to talk to my father, the place where i can be alone, so far away...i was crying, standing there where the water touches my feet...  where is he when i needed him the most?
i cried my heart out..just talking...hoping that my dad was there with me... helping me at my worst. asking for forgiveness, asking for strength, guidance, understanding... i needed all of that.
and then it hit me so hard... i am alone. i am alone. i am alone.
writing all of this... with my fingers shaking, i am barely breathing... it seems my tears will never stop.
i am falling into pieces again...
i need to take this one thing and shut down for the rest of the night..